NUUK, GREENLAND (The Borowitz Report)—The government of Greenland announced on Wednesday that it had begun construction in its northernmost region of a maximum-security prison for pedophiles. The prison, which will house “the worst of the worst,” is a joint venture between Greenland and the nations of the European Union. A Greenlandic government spokesperson, Hartvig Dorkelson, said that the construction of the prison “should not be seen as an act of provocation,” adding, “The only person who could be offended by this would be a pedophile.” The Borowitz Report continues to publish thanks to the support of readers like you. © 2026 Andy Borowitz |